Jane Goes Batty jb-2 Read online

  “I’ll unlock it,” Jane told him, and hung up.

  A brief glance out the front window confirmed that Beverly had moved the tour away from Jane’s house. Jane saw the back of the bus as it turned the corner. A moment later she heard knocking on the kitchen door and hurried to open it.

  “She’s relentless,” Walter said as he stumbled into the house, collapsing into one of the chairs around the table. “I swear she has spies all over town.”

  “I wouldn’t doubt it,” said Jane.

  “She’s really not that bad,” Byron remarked, entering the room. “And it would do wonders for your career if—”

  “Shouldn’t you be getting home?” said Jane.

  Byron sighed. “I suppose so,” he said. “Oh, but I still need to borrow that book.”

  “What boo—” Jane began to say before a look from Byron reminded her of her earlier lie to Walter. “Yes, of course. Just a moment.”

  She went into the living room and pulled a book at random from the bookcase. Back in the kitchen she handed it to Byron.

  “Frankenstein,” Byron said. “How delightful.” He turned to Walter. “Have you read it? It’s one of my favorites. And there’s a perfectly delightful story behind its authorship. You see—”

  “There’s no need to return it,” Jane said as she pushed Byron toward the door. “I’ve never much cared for it.”

  Byron paused at the door. “You did very well,” he whispered. “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” said Jane. “Now get out.”

  She shut the door behind Byron, went to the refrigerator, removed a pitcher of iced tea, and poured a glass for Walter. “Now let’s get back to the drama over your Jewishness,” she said as she handed him the drink.

  Walter took a long drink, then set the glass down. “It’s not me,” he reminded her. “It’s my mother.”

  “You said that,” said Jane. “But I still don’t understand the issue.”

  Walter drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “I’ll put it as simply as I can,” he said. “My mother wants me to marry a nice Jewish girl.”

  “Oh,” Jane said. “Now I see. May I ask, was Evelyn Jewish?” They seldom spoke about Walter’s deceased wife, but Jane thought the question pertinent to the discussion.

  Walter nodded. “She was,” he said. “Again, like me she didn’t really do anything about it. But the fact that she was Jewish was enough for my mother.”

  “Let me make sure I understand completely,” said Jane. “Your mother is coming to visit and you’re concerned that she will be upset because I’m not Jewish.”

  “Yes,” said Walter. “That’s it.”

  “Hasn’t the question come up before now?”

  “It might have,” Walter said vaguely.

  “And what might you have told her?” Jane asked.

  Walter, looking uncomfortable, drained his glass before answering. “I might have told her that you were thinking of converting.”

  “Converting!” Jane said. “Becoming Jewish? Me?” She paused for a moment. “Can you do that?” she asked.

  “You can,” said Walter. “You have to take a class or something.”

  “A class,” Jane said. “On being Jewish. How novel.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before now,” said Walter. “Honestly, I thought I would tell her you were converting and then it wouldn’t come up again until we got mar—” He stopped and looked away. “Until later,” he concluded.

  Jane too looked away. The subject of marriage was another one they didn’t discuss. We really should make a list of forbidden topics, she mused.

  “All right,” she said. “Your mother thinks I’m converting to Judaism. We’ll just let her think that I am. I don’t see why that should be a problem.”

  Walter leaned back in his chair. “She’s a Jewish mother,” he said miserably. “They can tell when you’re lying.”

  “Nonsense,” Jane said.

  Walter looked at her. “You don’t know,” he said. “I’m telling you, they’re mind readers. When I was a boy, my mother always knew when I wasn’t telling her the truth. Always.”

  “Then shouldn’t she have figured out by now that you’re fibbing?”

  Walter shook his head. “That’s over the phone,” he said. “But once she sees me in person, it’s all over.”

  Jane stifled a laugh. Part of her thought Walter was joking, but the expression on his face, and his continued nervousness, said otherwise.

  “So as far as she knows, I’m considering converting, correct?” she said.

  Walter nodded.

  “Then we’ll just keep pretending that I’m considering it. That won’t be a lie.”

  “I told her you’ve already begun studying with a rabbi,” Walter said.

  “A rabbi?” Jane felt a flush of anger, which she forced down. “All right,” she said when she’d calmed down. “I’m studying with a rabbi. How long have I been doing this?”

  “Just a couple of months.”

  Jane nodded. “And what would I have learned in that time?”

  “I don’t know,” Walter answered.

  “You don’t know?” said Jane. “How can you not know?”

  “I didn’t have to convert!” Walter said. “It came built in.”

  “Then we’ll just have to find out what it entails,” said Jane. “I’m sure I can catch up enough to be able to answer any questions your mother might have. When is she coming?”

  “In two weeks,” Walter said.

  “Two weeks!” Jane slumped in her chair. There was no way she would be able to learn what she had to learn before then, especially if the film company was coming as well. She looked at Walter, shaking her head. “Oy vey!” she said.

  Chapter 2

  “Here are the sales totals for last week.”

  Jane looked up at the young man standing in front of the desk. Small of stature, he had fair skin, blond hair, and eyes the pale blue color of Arctic ice. When he smiled a dimple appeared in his chin, rendering him even more striking.

  “Thank you …” She glanced at Lucy Sebring, who was standing behind the young man, looking over his shoulder.

  Ned, Lucy mouthed.

  “Ned,” Jane said. “Thank you, Ned.”

  “You’re very welcome,” said Ned. “If there’s anything else you need, just ask me or Ted.” He smiled, revealing perfect teeth, and left the office.

  “I don’t know how you tell them apart,” Jane remarked as Lucy took a seat in the chair beside the desk.

  After her novel topped the bestseller lists and Jane had become busy promoting it and working on her follow-up, running Flyleaf Books had become impossible. She had made Lucy manager and hired Ned and Ted Hawthorne as clerks. Twins, the boys were completely indistinguishable.

  There were only two differences between them: one was gay and the other was not, and one was a vampire and the other was not. Jane could never remember which was which, and even when she successfully attached the correct name to the correct young man, she could not then recall which one was—as Lucy so cleverly put it—playing on her team.

  It was due to Byron that Jane had come to employ the twins. They were former students of his from a short stint teaching English literature at a small college in the Midwest. Byron had become infatuated with the young men and cultivated an intimate friendship with them. Eventually he came to favor one over the other and one night, fueled by too much wine, made the decision to turn him so that they could be forever together.

  Unfortunately, he had as much trouble telling the twins apart as everyone else did and turned the wrong one. Curiously, the other twin had so far refused to be similarly transformed. With the passage of time one of the Hawthorne boys would continue to age while the other remained forever twenty-one. At the moment the difference was not noticeable, but inevitably it would be, and time was running out for the nonvampire twin to make a decision.

  “I have no trouble telling who’s who,” said Lucy
. “You just need to spend more time around them.”

  “Which is the gay one?” asked Jane.

  “Ted,” Lucy answered. “The one who wasn’t just in here.”

  “And he’s the vampire one as well?”

  Lucy shook her head. “Ned—the straight one—is the vampire. Hence the problem. And by the way, shouldn’t you be able to tell the undead from the not undead?”

  Jane sighed. “One of my many failings as a creature of the night,” she answered. “Remember, I didn’t even realize Our Gloomy Friend was a vampire.”

  Our Gloomy Friend was a joke, but also something of a precaution. Jane half feared that if they spoke Charlotte Brontë’s name aloud it would somehow cause her to appear. Lucy and Byron humored her in this, although Jane suspected they agreed with her more than they cared to admit.

  “Speaking of Our Gloomy Friend,” said Lucy, “her books have been selling like crazy lately. We moved twenty-three copies of Jane Eyre last week. Apparently the high school assigned it as summer reading.”

  “How nice for her,” Jane remarked. “Pity she won’t see any of the royalties.”

  “Says the woman who should be collecting half a million a year from the sales of her own books,” Lucy teased.

  “At least I have a recent bestseller to my credit,” Jane countered.

  “There’s that,” said Lucy. She hesitated. “Do you think she’s really gone for good?”

  Jane, who had been wondering the same thing, heard herself say, “I do. If she was going to try anything, she would have done it by now.”

  “I hope so,” Lucy said. “I still check under my bed every night.”

  “Monsters only hide under the bed in horror films,” Jane said. “Where you really need to check is the closets.”

  Lucy laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. “And since we’re on the subject, what’s happening with the Constance film?”

  Jane groaned. She told Lucy the news about the production crew’s imminent arrival in Brakeston.

  “That’s so exciting!” Lucy said.

  “It’s horrifying,” said Jane. “You have no idea what Hollywood people are like. They talk far too quickly, are forever fidgeting with their phones, and don’t eat anything yet manage to end up with two-hundred-dollar tabs. For lunch.” She shuddered, remembering her three days meeting with producers in Los Angeles following the purchase of the film rights to Constance. “They’re terrifying,” she whispered.

  “I still think it’s exciting,” Lucy told her. “And Portia Kensington as Constance! She’s the hottest thing around right now.”

  “So I understand,” said Jane. “To be honest, I was hoping they’d get a more serious actress. Like Maude Firk.”

  Lucy made a face. “Don’t you want people to actually see the film?”

  “Maude Firk is an excellent actress,” Jane argued. “She’s won two Oscars.”

  “And both of them before 1924,” said Lucy. “Anyway, at least you got the director you wanted. If anyone can make a good film out of your book, it’s Julia Baxter.”

  “There is that,” Jane admitted. “I suppose it will be nice to spend some time with her.”

  “That’s the spirit,” said Lucy, standing up. “I should get back to work.”

  “Oh,” Jane said as Lucy walked out. “Do you know if we have any books on becoming Jewish?”

  Lucy popped her head back in the office. “On becoming Jewish?” she asked.

  “Yes,” said Jane. “You know, converting.”

  “We have Judaism for Dummies,” Lucy said.

  “I suppose that’s as good a place to start as any,” Jane said. “Could you set a copy aside for me?”

  “Sure,” said Lucy. “May I ask why?”

  “It’s a long story,” Jane replied. “Actually, it’s not so much long as it is complicated. I’ll tell you later, though. I promise.”

  “Okay,” said Lucy. “I’ll go find the book.” She gave Jane a peculiar look before leaving without another word.

  I might as well get used to that look, Jane thought. I have a feeling I’m going to see quite a lot of it.

  She returned to looking through the store receipts, but it took her all of five minutes to see that Lucy, Ned, and Ted were doing just fine without her. She felt a pang of jealousy. Although she didn’t want anything bad to happen in her absence, she liked to think that she was crucial to the store’s continued well-being.

  “Here’s the book you asked for,” said a male voice.

  “Thank you,” Jane said. She glanced up and saw Byron standing beside her.

  He held out the book. “Interesting reading,” he remarked.

  “Yes,” said Jane, taking the book from him. “I’m doing some research for my novel. One of my characters is Jewish.”

  “And how is the new book coming along?” Byron inquired.

  “Brilliantly,” said Jane.

  “That well?” Byron remarked.

  Jane picked at a loose thread on her blouse. “It’s very difficult producing art under pressure,” she said. “I’m not a machine.”

  Byron nodded. “I imagine it must be very trying.”

  “Stop gloating,” said Jane irritably.

  “Me?” Byron objected. “I’m not gloating.”

  “You are,” Jane insisted. “I can tell by your tone.”

  “You wound me,” Byron said. “You know I wish you nothing but success. Why, I bought six copies of Constance to give as gifts.”

  “Be that as it may, you’re still gloating. Might I ask how your writing is going?”

  “Splendidly,” Byron answered. “I just finished the latest Penelope Wentz novel. It’s called The Scent of Love.”

  Jane stifled a snort. Her opinion of Byron’s recent literary efforts was not high. But she envied his sales. Although Constance had sold extraordinarily well, Byron’s Penelope Wentz novels did even better.

  “It’s about a parfumeur who has had her heart broken one too many times,” Byron continued, ignoring her. “Yet she manages to create scents that make people fall wildly in love. Then one day a man comes into her shop and asks her to make a perfume that will remind him of his beloved wife, who died tragically a year before. Our heroine does, of course, but in the process she falls in love with the grieving widower and finds herself altering the formula to make him fall in love with her.”

  “Scandalous,” Jane remarked.

  “Isn’t it?” said Byron. “Of course the gentleman does fall in love with her, and then she doesn’t know if he really loves her or if it’s merely the scent. She hates herself for tricking him. Yet she really does love him. What can she do?”

  Jane shook her head. “That is a puzzle,” she said.

  “Naturally the only solution is for her to stop wearing the perfume and see if he remains in love with her,” Byron concluded. “Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and they live happily ever after.”

  “I believe I smell another bestseller,” said Jane dryly.

  “Very amusing,” Byron replied. “I have to write something to keep myself living in the style to which I’ve become accustomed. Heaven knows we don’t see any royalties from our real books.”

  “I consider Constance a real book,” Jane told him.

  “You know very well what I mean,” said Byron. “How many copies of Pride and Prejudice did you sell last year?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” Jane said. “Anyway, why are you here?”

  “He came to moon over the twins,” said Lucy, brushing past Byron. She stood by the desk as she sorted through the day’s mail.

  “Have you been able to talk any sense into Ned?” Byron asked.

  “You mean Ted,” Lucy answered as she handed a postcard to Jane. “Ned’s the one you turned.”

  Byron made a face. “I can never remember,” he said.

  “And no, I haven’t,” said Lucy. “Frankly, I’m sort of surprised. I would have thought the gay one would be all excited about staying
young forever. It seems more their thing somehow.”

  “This is all I get?” Jane asked Lucy. “A postcard announcing a half-price sale at Bed Bath and Beyond?”

  “I could try getting them drunk again,” Byron said thoughtfully.

  “You keep out of it,” said Jane as she dropped the postcard into the trash. “It’s bad enough you turned … Ted?” she asked, looking at Lucy.

  “Ned,” Lucy said. “Honestly, is it really so hard?”

  “Ned,” Jane continued, ignoring her and speaking to Byron. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

  “It was a momentary lapse in judgment,” Byron argued. “He read my work so beautifully.”

  “Oh, well then,” said Jane. “That’s perfectly understandable.”

  “Would you two please shut up,” Lucy hissed. “They’re right outside.”

  Byron and Jane looked at her with wounded expressions. Lucy, unmoved, held up a finger. “Not another word about turning anyone,” she said to Byron. She looked at Jane. “And yes, that’s all the mail for you today. I’ll handle the rest. And anyone else would be ecstatic about getting half off a duvet or waffle iron or whatever, so don’t give me that look.”

  Byron watched her leave. “She’s quite a girl, isn’t she?” he remarked.

  “Yes, she is,” said Jane.

  “Pity she doesn’t have a boyfriend,” Byron said.

  “We’ve been through this before,” said Jane. “Don’t even think about it.”

  “I’m not talking about myself,” Byron said. “I’m just thinking out loud.”

  “Did you really come here just to see that boy?” asked Jane.

  Byron shook his head as he shut the door. “Well, that was an incentive,” he admitted. “But I really came to congratulate you on your vanishing yesterday.”

  “Well, thank you,” Jane said. “I did a rather neat job of it, I think.”

  Byron shook his head. “I’ve seen year-old vampires who could dematerialize more successfully,” he said. “But it’s a start.”

  “Beast!” Jane exclaimed. “You can’t expect me to do it instantly. I’m not a trained dog, for heaven’s sake.”

  “You won’t always have time, Jane,” Byron said. “What would you do if you were confronted by a vampire killer?”